all day yesterday, i kept thinking back to and reliving the day from last year. the last day with my very big pregnant belly before our little conrad arrived. the moment where my water broke just after i’d finally tucked myself into bed at eleven or twelve at night. the quite comical episode of josh and me tying to frantically finish packing my hospital bag in the dark (because i definitely procrastinated doing that task this third time around). the moment amidst the packing of the hospital bag where i was on the phone with my doctor pretty much freaking out (there was a lot of blood. i was really scared.) and also that classic ordeal of trying to change our bed sheets and mop up my bedroom floor as josh was trying to get me out the door (because i’m very particular like that and also didn’t want to leave a bloody scene for the kids to wake up to in the morning.) i remember hailing a taxi downstairs by myself while josh helped our friends who were going to stay with E and S into our apartment. i remember telling the cab driver as we waited for josh to run down that i was having a baby. he was so excited for us, until he learned it was my third, not my first. ha!
i remember crying a lot. and holding josh’s hand. i remember a nurse or doctor’s phone alarm going off and off and off with no one tending to it.
and then a few minutes before C arrived, i remember feeling so calm. and looking at the clock high up on the wall thinking, this is it. i’m about to meet you! while feeling so overwhelmed with gratitude at the chance.
we replay the little video clip of his birth often. when josh announces “it’s a boy!” and we hear C’s first cry and the video clip where the kiddos meet their little brother for the first time later in the morning. all of it makes me cry. every single time. i am truly the baby of this family.
the most monumental moment for me throughout the entire experience was when i first saw him. his tiny puckered lips, his long fingers, his strong looking body filling with air and super blonde hair. he had so much of samson in his look. but he also had hints of eleanor in him too. i kept touching his head and kissing his cheek while sobbing. literally sobbing. i was feeling so many feelings but most of all, i felt God. i know many roll their eyes or prefer i just leave out these parts, but it’s such a big part of me and my life and this story, that it feels strange to not share here. those few hours after giving birth are always some of the most sacred hours of my life. the spirit is strong, the veil is ever so thin, and i feel the weight and responsibility of my role as a mother heavier than ever. with conrad, that feeling felt stronger than usual and i welcomed it. i needed it, and i was grateful for it.
something i have noticed this past year with conrad joining our family, is that he carries that special spirit with him always. through his happy demeanor and personality, he is a constant reminder of God’s love and the power that love can give, especially as i have struggled (and still struggle daily) with my own trials as i learn and grow while being an imperfect mother and wife and daughter and sister and friend and frankly, human being. he shows such warmth, such forgiveness, such curiosity and light, i just want to snuggle him all day long and smother him with kisses. he has brought joy into our home, and based off the way eleanor and samson still freak out with excitement whenever he wakes up from a nap, i’m pretty certain we all are very much obsessed with this little dude.
we love and adore you so very much, conrad. words cannot adequately express how much i love you. thank you for being you. happy first birthday!