we flew back to new york city tonight from utah. before we boarded the flight in salt lake city, i told josh, “hey. let’s evaluate our feelings about leaving the west and coming back to new york tonight on our own privately, ok?” mostly, i just wanted to be sure i could really analyze my own feelings this time around without any distraction about coming back to the city. especially since it just felt so strange last time to come back here and since the past few weeks in utah were just so so fun for us.
and so, after what felt like the longest flight on earth (thank you, dear samson), our plane finally approached new york city and i saw those sparkly city lights in the dark night from my tiny cabin window, and sure enough, and felt glorious butterflies in my gut! i was so grateful to feel them, but i also wasn’t sure if i was mostly just grateful that the flight with my toddler was almost over. so i stayed quiet as we touched down and rode in our cab back to our tiny apartment on the upper west side. we walked into our space and before their coats or shoes were off, both littles had grabbed their scooters and were off down the long stretch of the apartment! i walked around a little just to familiarize myself with my home once more…my home, which sometimes i love so deeply and other times i’m just so over. and my butterflies were back. full force. even with that weird smoke smell that sometimes seeps in from the hallway or those loud sirens and city noises outside our windows… and even with our extra narrow and crammed apartment for four. butterflies, full force.
and i had to laugh while i told josh, “yeah. this feels good. thank goodness this feels good!” because honestly, i just wanted to be sure.
winter in the city killed me a little bit inside, it was harder than i like to admit for several reasons. and then there was that emotional goodbye at the airport with my own mama earlier today. and i so desperately want eleanor and samson to have their grandparents and aunts and uncles as present and involved in their lives as possible while they are young. but i know we’re supposed to be here right now in the city. i felt that again tonight when we arrived home. and i’m so thankful for the chance. it’s a crazy city but most days, i love it to my core. who knows how long this chapter will last but i hope it lasts a while longer. as long as my loved ones are thriving here, and those butterflies are present, i’m all in.
josh ran over to the corner store to grab a few supplies for our bare fridge while i started the unpacking. and he surprised me by coming back with my favorite ben and jerry’s ice cream flavor. he didn’t even have to say what kind, he just said, “i got you ice cream…”
great to see you tonight, new york! and spring in the city is always something else. can’t wait.