I am 8 months away from graduating. As May is finally getting closer, it feels impossible to reach. I get nervous just thinking about it. It looks as though graduating appears far too easy and it’s making me nervous. Nothing is ever that easy. Nothing is ever that easy for me, especially. I ask myself all the time why I feel this way. The answer is pretty simple. I’m really ready to move on with life. So ready, May couldn’t come fast enough if it came tomorrow. It’s been the same thing for a while now, the school, the claustraphobia of Juilliard, the faculty, the people, the comments, the energy, the approach to the work and life better yet… and while I do appreciate what I’ve learned and gained from school, I feel like it’s holding me back everywhere else in my life.
This morning, after reluctantly waking up, showering, and running around the apartment like a crazy woman getting ready for school,I stood beside my bed, watching Josh sleeping peacefully and thought to myself “Oh my gosh. There really is no way you’re going to do this today, Naomi, is there?” The answer was there before I even posed the question… “NOT IN THE LEAST.” And there I was, climbing back into bed at 8 something in the morning completely ignoring my regular (and might I add required) schedule for Tuesday. And I fell back asleep so easily, without any guilt, til noon.
Somebody might tag this as just being lazy. In all honesty, I’d call it that too. But it’s not. It’s me, Naomi, asking myself in my own way questions about my life and what I’m doing with it, aswell as me, Naomi, in my own way, answering those very same questions. Or atleast, trying to figure out where to go to find those answers.
I am planning on finishing school and graduating in May. Really, I am. I wouldn’t be pleased with myself if I walked away now, so close to the finish line. I’d live with regret forever, and I really don’t care much for regret. But after graduation I have decided to take a break from dancing. I am not auditioning for any professional companies or projects this year. This is a decision I have thought about for sometime. This is a decision I made on my own, never influenced by Josh or others. This is a decision that makes me look towards the future positively. This is a decision that allows me to breathe confidently and feel peaceful inside.
I’ve done alot with my dancing in life. I’ve reached (or will have reached come May) all the goals I have set so far in life affiliated with dance.
I am ready to move onto some bigger and better things. Josh and I have talked alot about what those bigger and better things might entail, and we’re both ready for change. With Josh by my side, I feel like I can do anything and I’m ready for all of it.
But I’m still anxiously awaiting May 23rd 2008. I’m entitled to. It’s my life.
