i know i have already admitted a few times over here on this blog of mine that this twin pregnancy has made me feel like an entirely different person at times over the last several months. one of the harder parts of it all for me isn’t the physical pain or exhaustion i’m feeling regularly as much as the guilt that has found its way into my day to day as an already mother to three little ones. i feel like i physically and mentally haven’t been able to be the fully present and active mama my children deserve since basically october, and it hurts. i’ve been the mama in her freaking pajamas 80% of the day, who struggles to sit down on the floor with them and then stand again when i need to get up. who struggles to read a story to them because i feel out of breath mid-way and have to pause (how lame is that?)! i totally get that it’s pregnancy related and not forever, but it’s actually been a lot harder for me (possibly more so for my pride) to take than i ever expected.
i found myself crawling into bed one day last week after some morning meetings i had to go to with josh and sleeping until past 7PM (a miracle honestly because i sleep in 30- 40 minute increments at night lately since my body wakes me to either pee or because it aches so much on one side and i have to switch sides until the other side aches). anyway, when i woke up and wandered out of my bedroom, the apartment was dark, the kids were already in bed and asleep for the night, and as i walked into the kitchen and saw their art work from the day across the dining room table, and their dishes rinsed and piled neatly in the sink from dinner (the dishwasher was already running), i totally lost it. i just felt so bad that i hadn’t seen them, been with them, been available to them AT ALL that day because i was….sleeping. and that hurt. thankfully, they have a papa who is always on top of his game, but it felt like someone had hit me in the throat because i suddenly felt so lazy and when josh came into the kitchen and offered to make me some dinner, i lost it all over again. he kept hugging me and telling me that growing two babies WAS work and i wasn’t just sleeping to be lazy. but for many reasons, it’s still been hard for me to come to terms with the fact that this is me right now.
it’s a funny spot to be in. because so much of me is so dang excited to be carrying these two little girls and i daydream all the time about finally meeting them soon. i know it will be hard work and crazy for a long time after their arrival, but still. it’s feeling more and more real every day as we’ve been prepping their things, reading up on twins and feeling them dance and kick around in my tummy during most of the day. i just wish the guilt wasn’t here and that i could offer more to my other babies right now. i feel like this is one of the hardest things i’ve done, physically and mentally, this twin pregnancy. physically, just because i’m used to being in control of my body and being active and able and fully mobile. and mentally, because it takes a toll on you when you are suddenly so limited physically, and feel completely out of control of your own body.
i am not sharing this looking for sympathy and i’m also not fishing for any comments telling me i am a good mother. i just wanted to share because sometimes people will say things like, “wow you make pregnancy seem easy or look good” or whatever and i just want to share that while sometimes getting dressed helps me feel a little bit more put together, for the most part, this is what i’m struggling with right now and this is how i feel.
i don’t want this post to feel like a complete downer, and i wish i had more positive words to end it with. but i don’t. so i’m going to just wrap it up with some photos of my beautiful babies and their smiles because that’s just as good if not better than any positive words i could try to muster.
these photos are from sunday, and samson and conrad took many of them. there were maybe 15 photos of conrad’s toes and all laughed so hard when we were looking at them together on the sofa. i should have included a toe photo from conrad in this bunch. if i find energy later, i’ll pull out my hard drive and upload it here.
they are the silliest and they know how to make each other (and me) laugh so hard when we are playing around.
samson took this photo and E and me. my settings got all flipped on the dial from the kiddos playing with the camera so it’s extra grainy and badly lit, but i love it just the same. her little star wars socks! (for those who have asked, my dress is by sonnet james and eleanor’s is available here. and i have been living in these shoes because they are really comfortable. tempted to get them in every color.)
and one of the photos conrad took which was a pleasant surprise! haha! no toes in this one!