it’s the last day of july. the temperatures in the city have oddly been in the 60’s the past few days, making it already feel a tad bit like autumn and pulling me into a confusing funk about all the things. i’m losing two babies to full days of school this fall (with E in first grade and S beginning kindergarten!). they discuss school daily together, with eleanor excitedly telling samson about everything to expect, “samson, when we see each other in the halls, we can wave to each other like this (demonstrates as she wiggles one finger up and down). i can’t wait to see you in the halls, samson!” it’s times like this where i feel the pit in my stomach shift just a little and it all doesn’t feel so scary. (only like, 80% terrifying instead of the 90%.)
josh and i have been having a lot of discussions about life lately and i think i’m realizing the root of so much of my anxiety and frustration with things in life right now is change. i just don’t like it. and it’s hard to accept and embrace for me. it’s been a summer of relearning how to breathe slowly for me. which is ironic considering i’m 31. but taking deep breaths, closing my eyes and holding still while doing so, it’s helped. a little.
i love life so much. the good parts, the struggles. the ups and downs have shaped me greatly and i find such purpose in my role as a mother. i do love watching my babies grow, and when i really think about it, i am excited to see them progress and reach milestones and even send them off into the world to do their own thing. sometimes i feel selfish for wanting to pause time or keep them in my arms forever. but i’m working through my breaths, in slowing down and holding still and soaking in these last days we do have together and enjoying them completely.
i’m not sure if this translates well (oh to be more articulate!), but if anyone else feels this way, i wanted to share a few things that have helped me remain calm, and be more at peace, as i’ve struggled the past couple of months with the anxiety of change.
- breathing. slow intentful breaths!
- saying no. surprisingly, taking things off my plate and not being that “yes person” i always feel i need to be has been such a help. we don’t have to do all the things. we can take time for ourselves, we can live without the extra projects or certain social outings or trying to please everyone.
- sunshine. a cure for everything, i am sure of it. we wandered through a sunflower maze while on a day trip to new jersey a few weeks ago and something as simple as feeling the sun on my face while being surrounded by such beauty felt huge. those moments in that sunflower patch are up there in the summer moments i truly loved this year. because everything felt slow, felt right, felt special.
- and sleep. i never get enough of this one. there is always so much to do (or so much we think we should be doing), that we think we can skip this one and get by just fine. maybe it’s aging, who knows. but i just can’t get by with 5 or 6 hours like i used to. to love my body and mind is to treat it with the utmost respect and getting the right amount of rest has played such a big part in remaining calm and present in my day to day. it’s also meant i haven’t been able to get the kind of stuff done i used to, because i’m shaving off a few hours of productivity at the end of my nights to hit the pillow a little earlier, but the physical and mental shift has been amazing, and it’s something i regret not applying sooner.
these photos are from a few weeks ago when we visited the most amazing farm called alstede farms in new jersey. they have this ginormous sunflower maze that made me pretty happy. dodging all the big bumble bees was so worth it to wander through. :)
have a wonderful week, you guys!
wearing this dress by love shack fancy.