“are you pregnant?”

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empirestate

yesterday was one of those really weird days for me. someone tried to congratulate me in the hallway at church on “my pregnancy” and i found myself leaving early, trying my hardest to fight back a whole lotta stupid tears while i hoped no one could see what a mess i was on my way out.

why do people keep commenting on here and on instagram congratulating me on being pregnant or asking if i’m pregnant or trying to be the first person to discover that i’m pregnant?

i am not pregnant. i wish i was pregnant. but i am not pregnant.

if and when i’m pregnant again someday, i’m pretty sure i’ll share it. i mean, i blogged and over shared my way through something like that twice now and heaven knows i sure loved it. i really like being pregnant. and having babies. and being a mama. ¬†it’s not for everyone, but it’s for me. and i’m grateful i’ve had the chance twice now.

i like to share, but then again, i also like being private. that might sound strange coming from someone who shares quite a few bits and pieces of her life with the public, but there are things that are harder for me to open up and talk about, even with close family members. i am still growing and learning everyday. i struggle daily with many things. ¬†and there’s a whole list of stuff i just don’t feel comfortable chatting about in this space, at least not right now. ¬†there are many courageous women online who talk about these things daily, everything from infertility and miscarriages to birth stories and family planning/child spacing. i can’t tell you how much strength i have found through many of their stories and voices. for a while i thought maybe i’m just not brave, if i’m not willing to share everything i’m going through like other ladies choose to do. but i don’t think that anymore. any woman, who goes through any step of pregnancy, birth,¬†miscarriage,¬†infertility, childrearing, you name it, is brave. so brave. whether she shares her full story publicly or holds it quiet for herself or her small circle of loved ones instead. my stories and anyone’s stories of childbearing are just as real and beautiful and difficult and miraculous and sucky and life changing. even if they’re not shared here or publicly.

i’ve been learning through my own experiences over the years and also through this weird pregnancy rumor that kind of took on a life of its own lately, a great lesson about how i want to interact on and off the web¬†with friends and loved ones and people around me.¬†there have been plenty of times in my own life where i’ve been insensitive or haven’t had the best etiquette when interacting with other people. i want to be more sensitive and thoughtful, especially when it comes to topics like this. we don’t ever understand or know someone’s situation entirely, and i want to make sure i’m helping those around me feel good about themselves and their situation. we women have a great power within us to build each other up, but sometimes human nature gets in the way and we kind of tear each other down through gossip or politics or critique instead. i am trying to work harder to respect my fellow women and their accomplishments and trials, and i aspire to lift and love every day.

i just thought i might share this here, because i’ve struggled with the whole conversation around women’s bodies and are you pregnant or why aren’t you pregnant¬†and it’s my own right to know the inner details of your ovaries conversations since i was first married, to be honest. i guess i’m just a little bit tired of it. ¬†i know sometimes people are genuinely curious and mean well with their speculations and when they try to congratulate, but sometimes these topics are a little bit sensitive, and they can really really hurt. i think these sorts of conversations can still happen, but there are kinder ways to go about them with friends or people online, without assuming you know what’s going on and jumping the gun to tell them so…

“ok sister, you look pregnant! show us that baby bump already.” how about no. how about i show you when i’m ready to show you and when there actually is a baby bump and in the meantime we stop making each other worry about if we look bigger or smaller or pregnant or 5 pounds heavier¬†according to your opinion and be mindful that someone could be struggling with pregnancy or miscarriage and good grief an¬†eating disorder and you aren’t helping her at all. can we just quit speculating altogether about¬†each other?¬†

it’s been a good reminder for me, and maybe this can serve as a good reminder for you. we’re all doing our best, we’re all struggling with something, and we all deserve a kinder and gentler interaction with one another. i don’t know, i just can’t let go of any of these thoughts today so thank you, blog, giving me a place to unload‚Ķ

so nope, not pregnant. winter was just really delicious. ;) thanks to many of you for your kind encouragement and support. i’m grateful for so many of you. i really truly am. and for this place to share bits and pieces of my life as a woman and wife and mother in the city as i try my best to press on each day as well as i know how. have a wonderful monday, friends.

  1. Hello Naomi,
    I’m not even sure you will read this comment, as there are 400 other comments to get through (and I’ll admit that I almost didn’t bother trying to compete for attention;-))
    I think obviously part of the reason people expect a pregnancy is because you are LDS and most LDS families are HUGE. I have to admit, I only come onto this space sporadically because it’s a little depressing to see you jet off to somewhere new every week, and that just isn’t possible for me right now. The other admission is that I did check in to see if you were pregnant (I had no idea there was any speculation, sorry ;-()
    I’m very sorry you are experiencing difficulty but i have to say that this straightforward post is really refreshing.
    I don’t discuss my personal life on my blog (as it’s design focused) but I had quite a bit of trouble conceiving my children. The doctors couldn’t tell me why, just that I had “unexplained/idiopathic infertility.” I also experienced two early miscarriages. It seemed that if I got pregnant without medical intervention, the pregnancy was over before it began.
    What made it sooooooo hard was the constant harassment by “well-meaning” friends of the family who thought it their duty to convince me it was time to start a family. It was so hard to keep from blurting out what was really going on, along with a recommendation to mind their own effing business.
    And it was so torturous hearing about one pregnancy after another, going to baby showers, pretending to be happy for expectant mothers. Even now, with two beautiful children, the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head when I hear someone got pregnant on the first try. I don’t know why, it’s so silly, i don’t even want to be pregnant right now… but i suppose old habits die hard. And, to be honest, I wouldn’t change anything. I think everything worked out just the way it was supposed to.
    If I may be so bold as to offer some advice: just try to keep things in perspective and remember all of your precious gifts.
    Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions. I have my phd in TTC ;-)

  2. Carolina Belle

    I’m praying for you guys!! I truly look up to you, and consider you a bright woman of God. I’m so proud that you are speaking your mind, and I respect every bit of your privacy. Good luck to you and your precious family!

  3. Molly

    Thank you for this message~ you are a beautiful person with a beautiful heart and soul. xo

  4. Keelin

    Thank you. It took me eight years to have my first and I disliked that whenever I wore an empire waist shirt or dress I got asked “When are you due”. I love empire waist shirts. I very much enjoy your candor here and I will pray that no matter what is happening that you feel God’s amazing peace. He is so soothing when nothing else is, bless you and your story. Thank you for sharing it.

  5. this was great…funny b/c when you blog people assume you share everything about your life…but in reality you share what you want readers to know. I always thing…hmmm…you read three paragraphs about my 7 day week…there is so much more you don’t know ;)

  6. this was great…funny b/c when you blog people assume you share everything about your life…but in reality you share what you want readers to know. I always thing…hmmm…you read three paragraphs about my 7 day week…there is so much more you don’t know ;)

  7. Khaki

    I think it’s hard for people to take yOu serious when you aren’t real and don’t open up about actual problems and struggles in your life. You seem like a celebrity since you have soooo many followers and well you look like one too …or make yourself look like one…good or had….so it’s easy for people to say things to youth at might be mean because it’s not like you’re a real person to them…I meAn real people have problems, right? Real people hAve struggles and stuff and until this post you never appears to have any, so I think people now might finally think of you as a real person.

  8. Bell

    I’m 38 years old and pregnant for the first time.
    The decision of having a baby was always very difficult for me, even though I have a wonderful, loving and sweet husband. I just didn’t feel ready before.

    I got so tired of people speculating over my life, fertility and even sexual orientation, simply because I was choosing not to have babies.

    I felt the same way as you ‘why is this everybody’s business?’ And why do people think I wasn’t happy or my marriage wasn’t working because we didn’t have any kids? I would never have babies without feeling emotionally ready… I know it was risky, as nature doesn’t wait for us women, but I’d rather not having any babies or even adopt babies rather than having them before feeling ready and become completely frustrated just because society thinks I have too.

    I don’t know why people are so obsessed with that… Why keep asking? Why so curious about that? This is really annoying and I understand you completely.
    Because you have a blog about your life doesn’t mean at all that you HAVE to share everything. It’s YOUR blog! Share what you wish… Good luck!
    (Thanks for letting me venting out here too)

  9. Katie

    Naomi~

    I’ve never commented on a post before, though I love reading your fabulous blog. I commend you for writing this post. I’ve witnessed too many people, all with good intentions, ask fellow women “when are you going to have a baby/you need to get started/that clock is ticking/you better…” And many of the subjects are struggling with fertility, have just suffered a miscarriage, do not want to have children etc etc, and accept the instruction gracefully. But it has to hurt.

    Thank you for reminding all of us that we know not what every single person is feeling/struggling with/suffering from. In this age of sharing and even over-sharing, some things are still sacred and private, and should be respected as such.

  10. Lindsay

    Hi Naomi!

    I know this post is coming so long after you posted that you’ll probably never read it, but I have loved reading about your little family every now and then (and I gave up blogs for Lent, so I’m reading old posts now that it’s over lol!)! I have to say, this is exactly the kind of post that made me fall in love with your blog in the first place (well, also your seriously-too-adorable-for-words family!). Keep posts like this coming! It’s so refreshing to read a person being real and honest in the blogosphere!

  11. When I initially commented I seem to have clicked on the -Notify me when
    new comments are added- checkbox and from now
    on whenever a comment is added I recieve four emails with the same comment.
    Is there a way you are able to remove me from that service?
    Thanks!