my dear friend carissa takes the most special photographs. she snapped these of eleanor and me and my baby bump the other week in the park and i just love them so.
i love eleanor very much. looking through these photos gave me that overwhelming feeling i often get of just how special she really is. and of the energy and love she can bring into a room at just 14 months old.
this sweet little girl- she is mine. mine. that little girl in the red sandals who has entered toddler-hood with the most contagious giggle but also with a touch of sass, she is mine. that little girl with 7 tiny teeth who tries to breast-feed her panda bear and battles me on eating her greens every.single.day… she is mine. that sweet spirit who is so observant at just 14 months and wants to mimic every little thing that i do (oh how she can keep me in line!)… who makes me want to be a better person, better wife, and better mother every day. she is mine. it’s so wonderful to think about, and so overwhelming at the same time. what a large responsibility we as mothers have on our shoulders… caring for these beautiful children who come to us with such innocent spirits and endless potential. who will grow up and can change the world for the better. gosh how unworthy i feel for the task. and how mortifying it can be to really think about sometimes… you know?
i remember sitting on the bathroom floor with eleanor on my lap last september while i waited for the results of my pregnancy test to show up on that little stick. i remember feeling complete shock and joy when the test read “pregnant” but at the same time experiencing this teeny tiny hint of “wait….not yet…” too. not yet, because expecting another baby meant there was a deadline on this special time of just me and eleanor and, of course, her papa. i was, and still am, loving (almost) every minute of this time as just us. and while josh and i had discussed for a long time that we were ready to get pregnant again, in that moment, i didn’t know if selfishly i’d be willing to welcome another baby into the world when life with eleanor and her papa was just: so good.
after the bathroom incident, eleanor and i drove over to josh’s office as fast as i could buckle her into that carseat and hit the gas pedal to share the news. he came out to the car to meet us. the second he sat down in the passenger seat i handed him my pregnancy test and tried not to blink so i could study his face to see where he stood. it didn’t take but 2 seconds for him to burst into some of the most joyous tears i’ve seen from him as he pulled me into his arms and hugged and kissed me, over and over. that was all i needed to know that everything would be ok. that having a deadline on our time as a family of three wasn’t so terrible. and that a family of four would be even better.
there are moments when i still wonder how i will ever love another baby the way love eleanor. but deep down, i know it will happen. just like the way I didn’t know i had this deep and profound capacity to love eleanor until she was placed in my arms. i remember looking at her little pink face for the first time and feeling this new love rush in from who knows where. but it was there. it’s still here. growing and growing by leaps and bounds every day. i’m thankful for my time with her over the past 14 months. when i think of her taking on the role of “big sister” soon, i get so excited. being her mama has been the sweetest experience. i really love it. and i love her so.